The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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