the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
