I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
