I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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