DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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