I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
