so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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