My balls are so social today.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
