I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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