I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
