i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
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he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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