I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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