I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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