Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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