Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
