Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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