i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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