so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my liver is dry heaving
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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