how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
