I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
