She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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