Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
there's paper in my vomit.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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