You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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