I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
