You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
