I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
