make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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