We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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