I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
