i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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