Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Randomize
