It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
