she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
