he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
