Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
