They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
