I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i drank out of a bidet.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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