For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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