you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
