So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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