i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
