Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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