Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
