I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
