the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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