we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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