some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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