My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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