I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
