Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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