3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
