i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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