Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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