he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
