You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
